He Called Me by Name by Mary Lou Sinzinger
I wish this wasn’t my story, but God in His great mercy and grace has asked me to make it HIS story.
Forty-seven years ago, I was a scared 20-year-old student when i discovered I was pregnant. I found my way to Planned Parenthood and believed Satan’s lie, that abortion was a good solution for my problem. No one needed to know my secret and my life could go on as normal. So, I chose abortion.
Little did I realize that I would never really be ‘normal’ again. I did not know that my behavior and attitude about myself would change in ways that reflect what is now known as PAS, Post-Abortion Syndrome. I now look back at that season of life and recognize I was laughing on the outside but desperately lonely and used-up on the inside.
It took 7 years before I heard God’s voice calling me. I became sorrowful about my decision to abort my child and felt so much shame about my story. But God loved me and called me to Himself. I responded. I knew that I was a sinner, there was no mistaking that! I was also forgiven, there was no mistaking that!
I married and had 3 children. My husband knew my secret and allowed me to be sorrowful when I felt like it. He grieved with me and at one point said he would like to “adopt my child in his heart.” This was an incredible act of love on his part.
So far, my abortion remained hidden from most people. I shared with my kids when they were old enough to understand, and I did share with my church family, but shame still overshadowed me.
This past summer, God was speaking to my friend, Janice Viinalass. He had been impressing upon her heart that the women in Estonia needed an opportunity to be healed from the destruction of abortion. Over the past 25 years, Janice and her family have watched as abortions were used as birth control. She has seen her friends struggle with depression and hopelessness. Then, she heard God call her to create and facilitate a healing weekend to help these women.
In May of 2021, Janice sent out an email asking friends to pray for her and this vision of healing and restoration that God had laid on her heart. I read the email, put it down, and walked away. It felt dangerous to me. Shame was taking my hand and guiding me in the opposite direction, far from this wonderful God-ordained opportunity. But I came back and responded, knowing God had prepared me as I realized these three things:
-This was a good thing to do
-I was familiar with the books that she was considering using
I did have a personal testimony to share
Within 3 weeks, I had my airline ticket and was making plans to help facilitate the retreat with Janice. I was being obedient to God and heading to Estonia to help. Only God can make this up!
I shared this with Diana Wetzel (Executive Director for Starting Point) and she embraced the idea- offering prayer support, journals and a hand-made baby blanket made by one of their volunteers. She didn’t want me to feel alone in Estonia and to always remember her team was covering me in prayer.
The weekend retreat was an intimate gathering held about an hour away from Janice’s home at “A Light in the Forest,” which is a camp built by Linden Viinalass, Janice’s husband. The ladies and I bonded with each other as we shared our individual stories and invited God to show us how to forgive ourselves and one another.
Each day we had a quiet time for individual Bible Study and then came together to discuss what we had learned. We enjoyed time for reflection and time for prayers. We were encouraged to allow our emotions to surface, even the feelings of anger and remorse. We wrote emotional letters and watched them go up in smoke in the large fireplace. We released Chinese lanterns toward heaven. We lit candles in memory of the 7 children we now know are safely in God’s loving care. God met each one of us in that quiet, holy place.
God was at work in ways I never expected. Although I had come to help my friend, I realized God wanted to do more within me. A couple nights later, I sensed God speaking about the shame that still persisted. I had misunderstood. I was focused solely on my child and the sorrow I felt for denying him life. This would never change. But God revealed that I had not sinned against my child, rather I had sinned against Him, my Holy God, and that He had already forgiven me. Hebrews 8:12 affirms that “He remembers my sin no more.” God refocused my eyes to see His truth and love more clearly. When I awoke, my shame was completely gone, never to return.
Since my trip, Janice has been busy as the Regional Representative for an abortion recovery ministry called “Surrender the Secret,” created by Pat Layton. As word has spread, Janice has had numerous opportunities to provide virtual appointments to counsel women as far away as Kenya, Africa. She continues to be available in Estonia for any women in need of God’s transforming love.
I still experience feelings of regret over my decision to have an abortion, and I realize that Godly sorry will remain a part of who I am. But , by God’s grace, my child bypassed this crazy world and went straight to the Kingdom where God lives and where my husband, Dave, now also lives. God continues to teach me about His amazing grace and allows me to love my child with my whole heart right where I am.
One way healing continues to flow is by sharing my story with others through poetry. May the verses below help bring healing to those who are walking this journey with me.
HIS GRACE
by Mary Lou Sinzinger
Shame’s Shadow
followed me,
hidden from eyes
but always
within my sight.
Then GOD’S words,
“I love you”
finally found me
and brought light
to my soul.
He punched holes in
the shadow,
and shame
fell
out.
My disgrace
was replaced
by His Grace.
EMPTY ARMS
by Mary Lou Sinzinger
My selfishness
gave me
empty arms.
I will never hold
you
here.
But your frame
was not hidden
from my God.
He saw you.
He cradled you.
He loves you.
All your days have been ordained.
I praise God
for you
because you
were fearfully and wonderfully made
for God’s purposes.
And as I love you,
God fills my arms.
